one day at a time

Dad’s health has worsened and he’s been admitted to hospital. We drove up and back (about 8hrs all up) on Sunday as it sounded very bad but he has been the same now for the last few days. He is sleeping a lot, is vague, sometimes cranky, sometimes disoriented, not eating a lot but at least is eating a little.

One of my sisters has been with Mum and Dad helping out for the past month. She has to go back to Tasmania and pick-up her partner  – to sidetrack for a moment, don’t ask! I don’t know why he can’t make his own way up here, he has been here before! I don’t want to ask her because the reason will surely be pathetic and it will just make me angry that she is thinking of herself as usual and not of Mum who really needs support. Ug, I really don’t want to get started on that lot!

Anyway, she is leaving for a few days so I’m going up there tomorrow to take over. I’ll be staying on after he goes for at least a couple of weeks to help Mum out with the legal stuff that will need to be done. I’ve been rushing about organising before and after school care; letting teachers know what’s going on; sorting out care for the animals for when T and Miss A have to come up for the funeral; letting friends know and not least of all, sorting out business stuff so I can be away.

It’s all so exhausting and emotionally draining. I know this is the tip of the iceberg and things won’t get better any time soon.

So onward we go, one day at a time and just pray that Dad remains pain free and passes peacefully.

There is light!

OMG, OMG!!  I’m so excited and I can’t remember feeling this happy for such a  long time!  My friends that have been going through IVF have finally got a positive result!  OMG!  Oh please God let them have a fabulous, problem free pregnancy, they truly deserve it!

Honesty, I’d give up a week or two with my Dad if this couple could have a healthy baby.  They deserve it and I’ve wished and prayed for it for so long for them.

Please let everything be okay and let this happy feeling in me last for a bit longer.

The Death Knock

Okay so we’ve known for a while that Dad is terminally ill. He won’t get better. He is dying. Now it looks like we only have a month or two left. I think we have all started the grieving  process in our own way.

One of my sisters insists on asking how we are all feeling, how we are coping, are we okay? Bloody hell, what do I say? My beloved Dad is dying, I don’t know what I’ll do without him? How am I feeling? Well mostly pretty bloody crap really! I’m going on with daily life but when I think about Dad and the fact that one day soon I’ll cease to have the ability to hear his voice again, to discuss gardening with him, to chat about the family, to have him listen when I want to vent… well then I just cry and it sucks! I can’t imagine life without my Dad, I love him so much. That sister is a psychologist and I think is covering her own grief by trying to make sure the rest of us are dealing with things appropriately. Honestly, I think she will crumble hard when the time comes.

My brother is being very matter of fact about it all. Well of course he is getting worse, he is terminally ill. Well of course his oncologist doesn’t need to see him any more, he’s progressed to palliative care only. Well of course his medication has been increased, the cancer has spread and his pain is worse. I know that he is crying inside but his outward facade is brave.

Another sister is all over the place. I can see that one minute she is trying to be brave and look after us younger ones, the next she is hopelessly in pain and needs support. She is me but I’m shoving it all down and trying to be brave all the time. I’m the executor of the will and I want to be brave and strong for Mum. She will need someone and I’m not sure who will be up to the task so I’m trying to be.

My other sister… well she is being her usual self and making it all about her own pain and grief. She thinks that breezing in during the last few months entitles her to bleat that she knows how hard it is because SHE is there right now and SHE can see how much Dad has deterioriated and oh my goodness, it’s so hard for HER.  She shits me to tears! We’ve all been through hard times with Dad and this bloody disease. We all know how hard it is for Mum. Unfortunately the rest of us aren’t on Centrelink payments so can’t just leave our daily lives to spend unlimited time with Mum and Dad. I swear if she comes out of this looking like a hero I might just end up swearing online! There is so much to her background but suffice to say that I don’t like her. She is a master manipulator and champion liar and Mum and Dad have been blinded by her for soooo many years.

Some days I just don’t know…