Okay so we’ve known for a while that Dad is terminally ill. He won’t get better. He is dying. Now it looks like we only have a month or two left. I think we have all started the grieving process in our own way.
One of my sisters insists on asking how we are all feeling, how we are coping, are we okay? Bloody hell, what do I say? My beloved Dad is dying, I don’t know what I’ll do without him? How am I feeling? Well mostly pretty bloody crap really! I’m going on with daily life but when I think about Dad and the fact that one day soon I’ll cease to have the ability to hear his voice again, to discuss gardening with him, to chat about the family, to have him listen when I want to vent… well then I just cry and it sucks! I can’t imagine life without my Dad, I love him so much. That sister is a psychologist and I think is covering her own grief by trying to make sure the rest of us are dealing with things appropriately. Honestly, I think she will crumble hard when the time comes.
My brother is being very matter of fact about it all. Well of course he is getting worse, he is terminally ill. Well of course his oncologist doesn’t need to see him any more, he’s progressed to palliative care only. Well of course his medication has been increased, the cancer has spread and his pain is worse. I know that he is crying inside but his outward facade is brave.
Another sister is all over the place. I can see that one minute she is trying to be brave and look after us younger ones, the next she is hopelessly in pain and needs support. She is me but I’m shoving it all down and trying to be brave all the time. I’m the executor of the will and I want to be brave and strong for Mum. She will need someone and I’m not sure who will be up to the task so I’m trying to be.
My other sister… well she is being her usual self and making it all about her own pain and grief. She thinks that breezing in during the last few months entitles her to bleat that she knows how hard it is because SHE is there right now and SHE can see how much Dad has deterioriated and oh my goodness, it’s so hard for HER. She shits me to tears! We’ve all been through hard times with Dad and this bloody disease. We all know how hard it is for Mum. Unfortunately the rest of us aren’t on Centrelink payments so can’t just leave our daily lives to spend unlimited time with Mum and Dad. I swear if she comes out of this looking like a hero I might just end up swearing online! There is so much to her background but suffice to say that I don’t like her. She is a master manipulator and champion liar and Mum and Dad have been blinded by her for soooo many years.
Some days I just don’t know…
